Back at Work After a Break
Yesterday and today I returned to the cooperative after a week of vacation. Paddy showed up too – even though his sister died just a week ago.
Both Paddy and I receive disability pensions because of mental illness, particularly avoidant-dependent personality disorder. We work in a sheltered workplace. Three weeks ago, during a conversation, I accidentally let slip some details about the abuse in our family. Since then, the topic has been unavoidable between us.
Paddy had lived his whole life with questions and vague suspicions. He never knew the full extent – or who exactly was affected. What haunts him most now is that his sister Lea kept silent all her life. And then she dies – less than a week after his entire picture of the family collapsed.
What does that do to a person?
For a while, I wasn’t sure if he was suicidal – or ready to take justice into his own hands against one of the living perpetrators. It was an acute crisis.
When the Topic Gets Too Big, Everyone Shuts Down
That’s why I thought it was important to inform our supervisors at the cooperative openly. They handled the death of Paddy’s 51-year-old sister – under horrific circumstances, from a brain tumor – with professionalism and empathy.
But then something happened that I know all too well by now:
The moment the word sexual abuse comes up, people disappear.
And yes – in the past few days I have brought it up more than usual. Not to shock anyone, but to make sure I wasn’t imagining things.
I’m not imagining anything.
The second abuse is mentioned, silence falls.
Suddenly everyone has appointments. Has to leave. Changes the subject.
And I get angry.
Everyone Wants to Talk About Abuse – But Please, Not in Real Life?
Aren’t we living in a time when we should talk about these things? When it’s considered important to break the silence?
We watch Netflix documentaries. We read survivor stories. We express outrage at every new scandal – in churches, schools, sports clubs.
But when the topic surfaces in real life? People act like idiots.
I think it’s about uncertainty.
Most people simply don’t know how to respond.
You know what?
Neither did I.
When I was a child.
And yet I had to live through it.
And you won’t even listen?
Psychological Background: Why Do People React Like This?
If you wonder whether this only happens to me – no. Sadly, it’s widespread. Research shows that sexual abuse triggers very specific reactions. Here are some explanations:
- Protecting their worldview: “This must not happen.”
Many people unconsciously believe in a “just world” – that good things happen to good people, and bad things only to those “at fault.” Abuse shatters that illusion. The easiest coping strategy? Look away. - Emotional overload
Abuse evokes strong emotions: empathy, anger, disgust, helplessness. If you’ve never learned to sit with such feelings, you shut down. Psychologists call this emotional distancing. - No experience talking to survivors
For many, abuse is an abstract story about strangers in the news or on TV. When suddenly someone close is affected, they have no words. And often, no courage. - Repressed personal experiences
Far too many have lived through violence or abuse themselves – without ever processing it. Hearing someone else speak about it may trigger memories. Silence feels safer.
What to Do When a Colleague Talks About Abuse
Most people don’t know how to respond. Here are some simple but important tips:
- Just listen – without judgment
You don’t have to say much. Just stay. Listen. Don’t walk away. Phrases like “I’m so sorry” or “Thank you for telling me” are enough. - Ask if help is wanted
Some want to talk. Others don’t. Both are valid. Try: “Do you just want me to listen, or is there something I can do for you?” - Avoid clichés and minimization
Phrases like “That was so long ago” or “But you’ve grown so strong from it” might be well-meaning, but they hurt. Same with “Everything happens for a reason.” Please don’t. - Don’t make it about yourself
Don’t say “I don’t know what to say” or “This is hard for me.” It’s not about you. If you’re lost for words, say nothing – but stay present. - Offer long-term support
If you’re close to the person, say: “If you ever want to talk again, I’m here.” That alone makes a difference.
Conclusion: Don’t Be Afraid of Difficult Conversations
Abuse is a hard topic. But an essential one.
Yes – it’s uncomfortable. Yes – it leaves people speechless. But that’s exactly why we need to learn to face it.
We, the survivors, had no choice but to endure it.
The least you can do is listen.