When Abuse Is Brought Up, but No One Listens
Yesterday and today, after a week of vacation, I was back at work in the cooperative. Despite the immense burden of losing his sister just a week ago, Paddy also decided to try to maintain his daily routine and go to work.
Paddy and I both receive disability pensions due to mental illness, particularly AVPD. We work in a sheltered workplace. Ever since I accidentally let slip details about the abuse in our family and our shared past three weeks ago, the topic has been unavoidable between us. Paddy had spent his whole life with suspicions and questions—but he never knew the full extent of the abuse or who had been affected.
What weighs on him most now is realizing that his sister Lea had been lying to him his whole life. And then she dies—less than a week after everything he thought he knew about our family collapsed. What must that mean for him? For a while, I wasn’t sure if he was suicidal—or, on the contrary, if he was planning to take justice into his own hands against one of the last surviving perpetrators in the family. It was a full-on crisis situation.
When the topic gets too big, people shut down
That’s why I felt it was important to inform our supervisors at the cooperative as openly as possible about what was happening. The fact that Paddy’s 51-year-old sister had just died under horrific circumstances from a brain tumor was met with a professionally and humanely appropriate response from the “experts.” But then, once again, I witnessed something I have experienced many times before: the moment sexual abuse is mentioned, everyone tunes out.
And yes, I’ve been pushing it a little these days—deliberately. Not because I want to torment people, but because I want to be sure I’m not imagining this phenomenon. And I’m not imagining it: as soon as sexual abuse comes up, everyone disappears. Suddenly, people are very busy, they urgently need to be somewhere else, or they change the subject.
And that makes me angry.
Let’s talk about abuse—but not in real life?
Don’t we live in a time where these experiences don’t have to be silenced anymore? On the contrary, we are told again and again that we must talk about them. We watch documentaries about abuse on Netflix, read survivors’ testimonies, and every major abuse scandal is met with public outrage.
But when the topic comes up in real life, people behave like absolute idiots.
I think it’s about insecurity. People simply don’t know how to react.
But you know what?
I didn’t know how to handle it either when I was a child.
And yet, I had to live through it.
And you don’t even want to hear about it?
Psychological Explanation: Why Do People React Like This?
If you’re wondering whether this is something only I experience: no, unfortunately, it’s widespread. Psychological and sociological research has repeatedly shown that sexual abuse triggers extreme defensive reactions. Here are some scientifically backed reasons why:
1. Defense Mechanism: Protecting One’s Own Worldview
People tend to believe in a “just world” (Just-World Hypothesis). This concept suggests that many people unconsciously assume that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Confronting topics like abuse threatens this worldview—because it proves that horrific suffering happens to completely innocent people. The easiest way to deal with this threat? Not listening.
2. Emotional Overload
When someone talks about abuse, it triggers strong emotional reactions in many people—pity, anger, disgust, helplessness. Studies show that people often engage in „emotional distancing“ in such moments because they don’t know how to handle these overwhelming feelings.
3. Lack of Experience in Dealing with Survivors
Most people have never learned how to handle a conversation about abuse. While abuse is present in the media, it’s usually in a distant form—in documentaries or articles about strangers. When it surfaces in real life, most people are at a loss for words and actions.
4. Unconscious Fear of Their Own Experiences
A disturbing percentage of the population has experienced abuse or violence themselves—often without ever processing it. When someone else talks about abuse, it can trigger buried memories or painful associations, and the easiest way to avoid that is silence and avoidance.
How to Respond If a Colleague Talks About Abuse
Since many people don’t know how to react, here are some concrete tips on how to respond appropriately and supportively when someone shares their experience of abuse:
1. Listen Without Judgment
Sometimes, all that’s needed is to be present and listen without immediately searching for solutions or sharing personal stories. Simple phrases like “I’m so sorry that happened to you” or “Thank you for trusting me with this” are much more helpful than suddenly changing the subject.
2. Ask If Support Is Wanted
Everyone processes trauma differently. Some want to talk, while others don’t. It’s perfectly fine to ask: “Would you like me to just listen, or is there something I can do for you?”
3. Avoid Clichés and Minimizing Statements
Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “But you became such a strong person” may be well-intentioned but are often painful for survivors. Likewise, statements like “That was a long time ago” or “At least you got through it” can feel dismissive.
4. Don’t Center Your Own Helplessness
A common mistake is when listeners make their own discomfort the focal point: “I don’t even know what to say…” or “This is so hard for me to hear.” This can make the survivor feel like a burden.
5. Offer Long-Term Support
If you have a close relationship with the survivor, you can reassure them that you are there not just for this one conversation, but in the future as well. A simple “If you ever want to talk again, I’m here” can make a huge difference.
Conclusion: Don’t Be Afraid of Difficult Conversations
Abuse is one of the most difficult, but also one of the most important topics we need to talk about. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, it makes people feel helpless. But we need to learn that looking away is not an option.
We survivors had to live through it—you can at least listen.
