Facing the Past: My Story with Paddy
A Childhood Betrayal
Paddy is my cousin, 18 months older than me. From the age of six until I turned eleven, he sexually abused me. It was a case of sexual violence between children—an unsettling reality that many refuse to acknowledge.
As a child, I desperately longed for a friend, a brother. My actual brother, Pascal, felt distant; our relationship was always detached. I was eager for attention, and Paddy usually treated me with indifference or outright rejection. That made it all the more exciting when, one evening, he suddenly took an interest in me.
It happened during my grandfather’s 60th birthday celebration. Paddy approached me and asked if I wanted to explore the area with him. I was thrilled—finally, he was paying attention to me! But instead of a harmless adventure, he led me into a cornfield, where the first assault took place. Afterwards, we returned to the party, and Paddy resumed ignoring me as if nothing had happened. I was confused. I knew that what had occurred was wrong, forbidden even. And yet, I said nothing.
The Pattern of Abuse
The abuse continued over the years. Paddy was always the one initiating it. He would bring pornographic magazines, which his father, Hugo, carelessly left around the house. I didn’t fully understand what I was experiencing, but I instinctively knew it was wrong. Still, I kept silent. Perhaps I believed that no one would take notice—or worse, that no one would care.
Our siblings, parents, aunts, and uncles must have noticed something. Surely, they witnessed behaviors that should have raised concerns. But they did what they always did: dismissed it. „Just kids playing,“ they would say. For a long time, I convinced myself of that too. But it was never just play. Paddy knew exactly what he was doing.
Paddy Returns to My Life
Today, Paddy is back in my life. Last year, I discovered that he, too, is receiving disability benefits. With his sister Lea diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor and only a few months left to live, Paddy seems to have realized that he will be alone once she is gone.
Despite receiving both disability and additional financial support, Paddy remains dependent on welfare. Understanding how the system works, I immediately recognized that he was being assigned an assumed, hypothetical income—a bureaucratic construct that often penalizes recipients. I advised him to take a job in the secondary labor market, as I had done. This would ensure that his actual earnings, rather than a fabricated estimate, were considered in his financial assessments. I encouraged him to try out work at a cooperative where I was already involved. Now, he works in the assembly department. Different section, same company.
Whether I wanted it or not, we now cross paths regularly. And more than that—I have helped him stabilize his life.
Does He Deserve My Kindness?
Has he earned my support, my kindness, my friendship? This question stirs deep conflicts within me. We have never spoken about what happened. It is as if it never existed. And yet, it exists within me every single day.
One day, over coffee and a joint, I might blurt it out: „Oh, by the way, why exactly did you abuse me as a child?“
A part of me wants to bring it up. I want to understand how Paddy remembers it. How he justifies it. Why it happened. But even now, I still feel a certain inhibition in his presence.
The Psychology of Child-on-Child Abuse
Sexual abuse between children is a largely overlooked and dismissed issue. Research indicates that power imbalances, emotional neglect, and exposure to sexual content in uncontrolled environments can all play a role. Children who have experienced neglect or instability are more likely to overstep boundaries, especially when exposed to adult material prematurely.
The long-term consequences of such experiences are profound. Survivors often harbor conflicting emotions toward their abuser, especially if that person was a close family member. Shame, guilt, and inner turmoil accompany many victims throughout their lives. Studies show that untreated childhood trauma can shape one’s self-image, relationships, and mental health in irreversible ways.
Confronting an abuser later in life can be both healing and deeply unsettling. Some survivors seek answers, while others find closure in distance. Paddy may have distorted his own memories or see himself as a victim of his circumstances. The question remains: would confronting him bring resolution, or are some truths simply unbearable?
