What Causes Personality Disorders?
The causes of personality disorders remain largely unknown. Researchers assume a mix of biological factors (inborn temperament, genetic predispositions) and environmental influences (parenting style, early attachment, social risk conditions).
For avoidant personality disorder in particular, several studies have shown strong evidence that temperament – the traits you are born with – plays a major role.
AvPD and Shyness: A Lived Experience
I have avoidant personality disorder, and my personal history mirrors the theoretical models almost perfectly.
Anxious Temperament
Temperament refers to biologically based differences in traits such as persistence, sensitivity, mood, and pace – what psychology often measures under dimensions like neuroticism.
These are not fleeting quirks; they are relatively stable behavioral patterns observable early in life.
As an adult, I clearly have a shy, cautious temperament. I respond to new situations and unfamiliar people with anxiety. But how can I be so sure I was already this way as an infant?
Because I’ve done the work. I’ve asked early caregivers and family members to recall my behavior. I’ve reviewed documents from my infancy, photos, even midwife records. And I’ve learned to ask indirectly. My mother, for example, would never describe me as an “anxious child” if asked outright. But when I asked her how I reacted in certain situations, she said things like: “You never cried when we left you alone.”
She meant this as a sign of independence and bravery. I recognize it for what it was: an early adaptation. I didn’t seek comfort, not because I didn’t need it, but because I had already learned I wouldn’t get it.
Avoidant Mother–Child Attachment
My mother could not provide me with a sense of safety. She desperately wanted a confident, fearless daughter. Seeing me as shy, anxious, or dependent simply didn’t fit the picture.
In the “strange situation test” scenario, my behavior was reinterpreted.
When I didn’t seek closeness or comfort, she saw independence. I see neglect.
Our communication was inconsistent from the start. My mother was emotionally unavailable and often responded to anxious behavior with rejection or irritation: “Don’t be silly.”
My Father’s Temperament and Personality Style
My father didn’t play an active parenting role. He saw himself mainly as the breadwinner.
He was quiet, withdrawn, conflict-avoidant – and today I recognize that he likely met criteria for avoidant personality disorder himself.
From him, I learned that the world is threatening, people are not to be trusted, and isolation is safer. Outside of family, he had no real social ties.
His own severe childhood abuse further shaped our relationship. Physical contact made him freeze; he avoided touching his children because he couldn’t separate ordinary closeness from the trauma of his past. For me as a child, this felt like personal rejection.
Early Peer Experiences
With this foundation, it’s no surprise that I struggled socially. By kindergarten, I had already resigned myself to not being liked, not belonging, not being of interest.
I stopped trying to make friends. Every attempt felt doomed to end in rejection and hurt.
To protect myself, I flipped the script: “I don’t want to be friends with those awful people anyway.” I glorified my outsider role as a kind of “splendid isolation.” Better to reject others before they had the chance to reject me.
The Cycle of AvPD
This vicious cycle – anxious temperament, insecure attachment, rejection, avoidance – played out in my life exactly as the research predicts.
And with my eventual diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder, the circle has come full.