Welcome to another episode of my Digital Dating Slang Dictionary – where we study modern man’s most confusing species in their natural habitat: the chat window.
Today’s specimen is a creature of habit, hormones, and Wi-Fi.
He’s not hunting for hearts, just screenshots.
And yet, he’ll make you feel like the chosen one… until you realize you’ve been cast as the unpaid star of his private porn fantasy.
Virtual Fuckboy (n.)
Definition:
A man who uses dating apps the way other people use porn sites — for self-service only.
He’s not here to meet you, he’s here to milk the fantasy.
The chat is his foreplay, your selfies his climax, and your silence his cue to vanish.
Recognizable traits:
- Starts every conversation charming and “curious” — but somehow all roads lead to sex.
- Never actually asks you out.
- Asks for photos. Then more photos. Then “a little more, please.”
- Usually typing one-handed.
- Will say things like “I’m not like other guys” while doing exactly what other guys do.
Typical habitat:
Tinder after midnight, Telegram DMs, or anywhere that allows disappearing messages.
Diet:
Compliments, nudes, and your emotional labor.
Natural predators:
Women with boundaries and screenshots.
Sext Parasite (n.)
Definition:
A digital life form that feeds on erotic energy without giving any back.
He thrives on your attention, your words, your willingness to “play along.”
If you stop texting, he deflates like a cheap balloon animal.
Key behaviors:
- Mirrors your fantasies to keep you hooked.
- Pretends to be “so into you” — until you suggest an actual date.
- Disappears once he’s had his dopamine snack.
- Returns days later with “hey u 😏”.
Fun fact:
The sext parasite believes he’s having sex when he’s actually just typing it.
Wank-Chatter (n.)
Definition:
A subspecies of the virtual fuckboy, mostly found in the wilds of British slang.
He gets off on the conversation itself — he’s a chat wanker in the most literal sense.
Mating call:
“What are you wearing?”
“Are you touching yourself?”
“Can I see you?”
Spoiler: he never shows up. Only pops up.
Warning:
Approach with humor or block button in hand.
Engagement may result in a mild sense of disgust and a sudden urge to wash your phone.
Moral of the story
Some men swipe for love,
some for ego,
and some just for the Wi-Fi connection.
Choose your adventure wisely.
Next up in my Digital Dating Slang Dictionary:
“The Vanishing Poet” – a man who writes you essays, disappears for weeks, and then reappears with a new ‘soulful’ playlist.