The Monkey Business of Attachment – And Why My Emotional Wiring is a DIY Project

Harry Harlow traumatized baby monkeys so we didn’t have to. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t get the memo.

Introduction: Love, Science, and the Lack Thereof

Let’s talk about attachment. Specifically, how much of it we need as babies to grow into functional adults rather than emotionally stunted gremlins. Spoiler: a lot.

Back in the 1950s, psychologist Harry Harlow decided to rip baby monkeys away from their mothers and see how they coped with substitute moms made of wire and cloth. (Science was wild back then.) What he found was deeply disturbing and, unfortunately, eerily relatable: Without early affection, these monkeys grew into socially dysfunctional wrecks.

But enough about monkeys. Let’s talk about me.

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The Everyday Neglect: Not Starving, Just… Missing Something

While I didn’t grow up in a Romanian orphanage or locked in a cage like Harlow’s monkeys, my early childhood wasn’t exactly peak attachment bliss either.

• My mother had postpartum depression and a physical disability, which meant less baby-carrying and more… well, distance.
• My father came from a family where violence was the primary love language, so expressing affection? Not his thing.
• Neither of my parents were the cuddly type. Love was conveyed through words and material things, which is great if you’re an adult who enjoys gifts, but not so great if you’re a baby who just wants to be held.

In short: I had a textbook case of mild, everyday emotional neglect – nothing dramatic, just the kind of thing that slowly rewires a person to be fiercely independent, emotionally self-sufficient, and slightly distrustful of intimacy.

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What Science Says About This Kind of Attachment Déficit

Here’s the good news: I’m not some rare anomaly. Roughly 40–50% of adults have an insecure attachment style, because let’s be honest – emotional attunement wasn’t exactly top priority in past generations.

Here’s the slightly less good news: If you miss out on early emotional bonding, your nervous system might develop some fun little quirks like:

• Seeing closeness as mildly threatening (hello, avoidant attachment).
• Seeking intimacy while simultaneously fearing it (shoutout to my anxious-avoidant friends).
• Learning to self-regulate so hard that you can sit in emotional distress for weeks without asking for help.

But wait! More good news: Attachment isn’t destiny. Even if your early years weren’t a cozy love-fest, your brain remains plastic, and you can rewire yourself. (Enter: decades of self-work, therapy, and reading every psychology book known to humankind.)

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Mission: Become a Securely Attached Human Being (And Not a Trainwreck)

At 25, I made a choice: I want to feel good. Not in the shallow, „buying random stuff to fill the void“ way, but in the deep, sustainable, actually-okay-with-myself way.

And guess what? It worked. At 48, I’m finally at peace with my own existence. I’ve done the work, I understand my emotional wiring, and I’m ready for a stable, healthy relationship.

Except… there’s a tiny problem.

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The Dating Paradox: Where Are All the Emotionally Evolved People?

Funny thing about healing: The more work you do on yourself, the more you start seeing the emotional baggage in others. And suddenly, you realize… damn, the dating pool is an absolute wasteland of:

• Men who think they’re emotionally intelligent because they once listened to a podcast.
• Commitment-phobes who disappear at the first sign of real emotional depth.
• Men whose personal growth journey stopped at „I went through a tough breakup once.“

The frustrating irony: By the time you’re actually ready for a relationship, finding someone on your level feels like trying to locate a unicorn in a Walmart parking lot.

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So, What Now?

Well, here’s what I refuse to do:

• Lower my standards for emotional maturity.
• Play therapist to another man who “just needs someone to teach him how to love.”
• Pretend I don’t need a relationship, only to end up in another toxic mess.

Here’s what I will do:

• Keep living my best life, with or without a partner.
• Keep recognizing that my worth is not defined by my relationship status.
• Keep trusting that somewhere out there is a human who’s done the work, too.

Until then? I’ll just be over here, enjoying my hard-earned self-awareness and waiting for the universe to deliver a functional human into my life. Preferably one who doesn’t flinch at the word therapy.

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Final Thoughts: The Evolution of Attachment (And Me)

Harry Harlow’s monkeys never got a second chance at emotional security. But humans do.

And while my early years didn’t set me up for textbook secure attachment, I’ve built my own blueprint. Not perfect, but functional. And at the end of the day, that’s all I need.

Because if I can love and accept myself? Then anyone else who comes along is just a bonus.

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TL;DR:

1. Attachment theory is real, and childhood matters.
2. Not getting enough emotional attunement early on can mess with your ability to bond.
3. But attachment styles aren’t set in stone. With work, they can change.
4. I did the work, I’m ready for love… but where the hell are the emotionally evolved men?
5. Until then, I’m just vibing with my self-awareness.

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🔥 What’s your attachment style? Have you had to unlearn childhood patterns?

Drop a comment or message me—let’s talk psychological self-upgrades.