Lea: „I never thought you even had feelings.“
I’m starting my list of Dramatis Personae with Lea because she passed away last week, and as a result, she’s been haunting my thoughts more than usual. Other protagonists will follow as and when I feel like it—no fixed order, no grand plan, just the people who shaped (or misshaped) my life, one by one.
Basic Information
- Born – Died: December 1973 – February 2025 († 51 years)
- Cause of Death: Brain tumor.
- If the soul speaks through the body and the mind still refuses to listen, in the end, you get a brain tumor.
- I know that’s a brutally simplified take, but psychosomatics keep nagging at me—especially in Lea’s case.
- Places of Residence: Lived her entire life in and around Biel-Bienne, a bilingual industrial city in the Swiss Mittelland, known for its watchmaking industry and a distinct mix of charm and grittiness.
- Occupation: Elderly care assistant (2-year apprenticeship)
- Relationship with Work:
- She had a strong helper syndrome and dreamed of becoming a nurse, but her grades (and probably also her interest) weren’t enough.
- I always had the feeling that she didn’t want the actual job, but the romanticized version of it—the one where she tenderly nurses a devastatingly handsome, kind-hearted, heroic firefighter back to health, while he falls madly in love with her. Happy ending. (Cue dramatic Helene Fischer ballad.)
- Reality? Not so glamorous. A lot of hard work and the only men in her vicinity were drooling 90-year-olds with dementia.
Family & Relation to Me
- Mother: Lory (my mother’s sister)
- Father: Hugo (my father’s brother)
- Brother: Paddy – three years younger than Lea.
- Partner: Tom – her first and only partner, whom she met relatively late in life.
- Lea was the iron virgin of the family. While I had the reputation of the whore, she remained untouched well into adulthood.
- Not by choice—she would have liked to, she just never found a partner.
- She had two or three intimate encounters before Tom, but they never led to a real relationship.
- Children: None (Thank God!)
- She had wanted to become a mother since her teenage years, but the universe mercifully denied her that wish.
Personality & Type
- Kind, but hot-tempered and stubborn.
- Her weight defined her self-image. She had been obese since childhood, which always preoccupied and burdened her.
- She wanted to please at all costs. Conflict and strong opinions were foreign to her. She sought harmony, even if it meant completely erasing herself.
- She was mainstream. At 15, she dressed like a middle-aged woman, listened to Schlager and folk music, and probably never read anything but BLICK.
- Not particularly interested in anything. Passionate curiosity? Deep dives into a subject? A thirst for knowledge? Nope.
- Shy, compliant, conflict-averse—but when she exploded, she really exploded.
Psychological Profile (Pschikology) – Or: Why Was She So Screwed Up?
- Classic victim personality. She adapted, let things happen to her, never objected, tolerated the intolerable.
- Extreme conflict avoidance. The kind of person who would rather stay silent than acknowledge an uncomfortable truth—even if someone else suffered for it.
- Cowardice as a survival strategy. She saw injustice and looked away. She knew things were wrong—and ignored them.
- Lifelong self-deception. No matter how awful her situation was, she acted as if everything was just fine. The world could burn, and Lea would be playing a Helene Fischer song over it.
- Massive father issues. She was infatuated with her uncle Ronald, even though (or because?) he sexually harassed her.
- And why? The parents, of course.
- Hugo: The ultimate family tyrant.
- A real—sorry—wanker.
- Dumb as a brick but full of strong, uninformed opinions. (Immigrants were to blame for everything.)
- A sex-obsessed, perverted creep with zero boundaries, especially when drunk.
- Short-tempered, loud, intimidating—a dictator without a country.
- Lory: The one who cleaned up after him.
- She excused whatever Hugo did.
- She tried to make up for what he destroyed.
- Her life’s mission was damage control.
- The result? Lea absorbed the system. Instead of fighting it, she simply found a substitute figure—her uncle Ronald. Her self-destructive behavior wasn’t driven by desire, but because she knew no other way.
- Hugo: The ultimate family tyrant.
Relationship With Me
- As a child, I worshiped her. I wanted to be like her, loved nothing more than running through forests with her, playing superheroes.
- But she never seemed as thrilled with me as I was with her. She always preferred being around adults rather than spending time with me.
- As a teenager, I realized how different we were. While I rebelled, devoured books, and fought for fairness, Lea aged prematurely, passively sinking into Schlager music and conformity.
- Her withdrawal was final. The more I needed her, the more she distanced herself.
Defining Moments – The Good, The Bad, and The Absurd
Happy Memories
- Superhero adventures in the forest. I loved getting lost in fantasy worlds with her.
- Our teenage travels. When it was just the two of us, Lea was a pleasant companion. I felt close to her then.
Memories That Still Make Me Furious
- Her silence when I needed her most.
- Her silence about the abuse.
Final Verdict on Lea
- If I had to describe her in one sentence: “A person who swallowed everything until it consumed her from the inside.”
- What I learned from her? That silence can be just as cruel as words.
- What I would say to her today if I could? “I wish you had found the courage to open your eyes.”
