Lea: „I never thought you even had feelings.“

I’m starting my list of Dramatis Personae with Lea because she passed away last week, and as a result, she’s been haunting my thoughts more than usual. Other protagonists will follow as and when I feel like it—no fixed order, no grand plan, just the people who shaped (or misshaped) my life, one by one.


Basic Information

  • Born – Died: December 1973 – February 2025 († 51 years)
  • Cause of Death: Brain tumor.
    • If the soul speaks through the body and the mind still refuses to listen, in the end, you get a brain tumor.
    • I know that’s a brutally simplified take, but psychosomatics keep nagging at me—especially in Lea’s case.
  • Places of Residence: Lived her entire life in and around Biel-Bienne, a bilingual industrial city in the Swiss Mittelland, known for its watchmaking industry and a distinct mix of charm and grittiness.
  • Occupation: Elderly care assistant (2-year apprenticeship)
  • Relationship with Work:
    • She had a strong helper syndrome and dreamed of becoming a nurse, but her grades (and probably also her interest) weren’t enough.
    • I always had the feeling that she didn’t want the actual job, but the romanticized version of it—the one where she tenderly nurses a devastatingly handsome, kind-hearted, heroic firefighter back to health, while he falls madly in love with her. Happy ending. (Cue dramatic Helene Fischer ballad.)
    • Reality? Not so glamorous. A lot of hard work and the only men in her vicinity were drooling 90-year-olds with dementia.

Family & Relation to Me

  • Mother: Lory (my mother’s sister)
  • Father: Hugo (my father’s brother)
  • Brother: Paddy – three years younger than Lea.
  • Partner: Tom – her first and only partner, whom she met relatively late in life.
    • Lea was the iron virgin of the family. While I had the reputation of the whore, she remained untouched well into adulthood.
    • Not by choice—she would have liked to, she just never found a partner.
    • She had two or three intimate encounters before Tom, but they never led to a real relationship.
  • Children: None (Thank God!)
    • She had wanted to become a mother since her teenage years, but the universe mercifully denied her that wish.

Personality & Type

  • Kind, but hot-tempered and stubborn.
  • Her weight defined her self-image. She had been obese since childhood, which always preoccupied and burdened her.
  • She wanted to please at all costs. Conflict and strong opinions were foreign to her. She sought harmony, even if it meant completely erasing herself.
  • She was mainstream. At 15, she dressed like a middle-aged woman, listened to Schlager and folk music, and probably never read anything but BLICK.
  • Not particularly interested in anything. Passionate curiosity? Deep dives into a subject? A thirst for knowledge? Nope.
  • Shy, compliant, conflict-averse—but when she exploded, she really exploded.

Psychological Profile (Pschikology) – Or: Why Was She So Screwed Up?

  • Classic victim personality. She adapted, let things happen to her, never objected, tolerated the intolerable.
  • Extreme conflict avoidance. The kind of person who would rather stay silent than acknowledge an uncomfortable truth—even if someone else suffered for it.
  • Cowardice as a survival strategy. She saw injustice and looked away. She knew things were wrong—and ignored them.
  • Lifelong self-deception. No matter how awful her situation was, she acted as if everything was just fine. The world could burn, and Lea would be playing a Helene Fischer song over it.
  • Massive father issues. She was infatuated with her uncle Ronald, even though (or because?) he sexually harassed her.
  • And why? The parents, of course.
    • Hugo: The ultimate family tyrant.
      • A real—sorry—wanker.
      • Dumb as a brick but full of strong, uninformed opinions. (Immigrants were to blame for everything.)
      • A sex-obsessed, perverted creep with zero boundaries, especially when drunk.
      • Short-tempered, loud, intimidating—a dictator without a country.
    • Lory: The one who cleaned up after him.
      • She excused whatever Hugo did.
      • She tried to make up for what he destroyed.
      • Her life’s mission was damage control.
    • The result? Lea absorbed the system. Instead of fighting it, she simply found a substitute figure—her uncle Ronald. Her self-destructive behavior wasn’t driven by desire, but because she knew no other way.

Relationship With Me

  • As a child, I worshiped her. I wanted to be like her, loved nothing more than running through forests with her, playing superheroes.
  • But she never seemed as thrilled with me as I was with her. She always preferred being around adults rather than spending time with me.
  • As a teenager, I realized how different we were. While I rebelled, devoured books, and fought for fairness, Lea aged prematurely, passively sinking into Schlager music and conformity.
  • Her withdrawal was final. The more I needed her, the more she distanced herself.

Defining Moments – The Good, The Bad, and The Absurd

Happy Memories

  • Superhero adventures in the forest. I loved getting lost in fantasy worlds with her.
  • Our teenage travels. When it was just the two of us, Lea was a pleasant companion. I felt close to her then.

Memories That Still Make Me Furious

  • Her silence when I needed her most.
  • Her silence about the abuse.

Final Verdict on Lea

  • If I had to describe her in one sentence: “A person who swallowed everything until it consumed her from the inside.”
  • What I learned from her? That silence can be just as cruel as words.
  • What I would say to her today if I could? “I wish you had found the courage to open your eyes.”
Mermaid Me – AI generated picture of me as a mystical mermaid

Zia

I’m Zia, a Swiss autodidact and dreamer, navigating life with a combined personality disorder. I thrive on understanding and mastering technology—there’s no software I can’t intuitively figure out. While I’m not an academic, I’m deeply educated in life and learning, driven by curiosity and creativity. A misanthrope with an idealist’s heart, I share my reflections on resilience, growth, and finding meaning amidst life’s chaos.

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